When I first got divorced I started using the hashtag #TakingBackFifelski. It’s my maiden last name, and sure, I was in the middle of changing it back but really it was about re-finding myself and getting back to becoming the person I wanted to be in life. Then, one day, I stopped using the hashtag. I stopped trying to re-find myself because, in all honesty, I had no idea what I wanted except I wanted to be happy.
I knew what I didn’t want. I didn’t want to feel bad for not having an interest in the things my ex husband had an interest in – gaming, comics, Renaissance Festivals. I’m not saying his interests were bad or silly, they just were not my interests. And to be fair, my interests were not his. I wanted to be camping, traveling, learning to sail, learning to speak Spanish, and playing soccer.
My ex is not a bad person. He is, in fact, a very nice person who works hard and cares about his friends. He is loyal and sincere. However, we never had a passionate relationship – unless it came to beer – in that case we could usually talk openly. I’m not even sure we were that good of friends. Neither of us knew how to support the other.
When I got divorced, I started doing the things I was passionate about and in time, I stopped doing things that reminded me of my old life. This might sound good but it wasn’t because I stopped hanging out with friends, good friends, because they reminded me of my old life. I stopped partying so hard because it wasn’t helping to make me happy (but I did sometimes get hammered because I wanted to suppress my feelings). I stopped running. I even thought about moving because I thought it would be better to start somewhere else again.
I started dating immediately. Hoping I’d find happiness in the comfort of someone else. I was looking for passion, I was looking for security. What I did however, was push away all the good in me and take on the interests of the other person. I was searching for a new life instead of working on the one I had in front of me. I lost myself in them in trying to find myself.
Recently, I unknowingly self sabotaged because I was relying on another person for my happiness instead of myself. It was a wake up call. It made me realize that instead of focusing in on #TakingBackFifelski I was focused on #RunningFromMyFeelings and #PretendingEverythingWasOkay.
Luckily, I had already started running again. It might sound silly but running helps. And I’m applying my training to my life now. Instead of diving into training fast and hard for a race, I’m taking it slow. One. Day. At. A. Time. and hoping that by September when the Fall Equinox race comes around, not only will I feel confident with being able to finish the race, but I’ll be running an easy 9 min mile pace and happy with my finish.
I’m trying new things – like yesterday’s #GetHealthyGetTogether at the Long Center – to build strength.
I’ve already lost five pounds and am running more confidently than I have in years, even if it is only a two mile run I’m completing. It gives me time to clear my thoughts and plan on what I need to tackle in the day ahead. Running relieves the stress I put on myself to be the better person I know I can be.
I’m probably oversharing on this blog that is meant to be a way to help me train for my next half marathon. But look, you don’t have to read it. By sharing, I also feel like I’m making a commitment to myself to hold myself accountable as well.
Today, I am #TakingBackFifelski